The Power of "I'm Sorry"
This service is led by Rev. Lynn Woodland
In the book Peace Pilgrim, Her Life and Her Work in Her Own Words, Peace Pilgrim told of a man who was very upset to hear that she would be speaking at his church. He'd seen her picture in the newspaper and was horrified by her poor and scruffy appearance. He complained to his minister and to congregation members. Someone told Peace Pilgrim about this man's distress and right away she called him. This is the conversation they had, in her words:
"This is Peace Pilgrim calling,' I said. I could hear him gasp. Afterward he told me that he thought I had called to bawl him out. I said, ÔI have called to apologize to you because evidently I must have done something to offend you, since without even knowing me you have been apprehensive about my speaking at your church. Therefore I feel I must somehow owe you an apology and I have called to apologize!'
"Do you know that man was in tears before the conversation was over? And now we're friends--he corresponded with me afterward. Yes, the law of love works!"
Faced with a similar situation, how much more natural it would be for most of us to take offense with the complaining parishioner, to see him in the wrong, and respond in nearly any way other than to apologize. Yet how powerful these words were. They changed a life, not just a situation.
I once witnessed the power of the words "I'm sorry" to bring healing to the incredibly deep wounds of racism. In a five-day intensive I led once where the racial balance was about 80% African American and 20% white, issues of racism were hotly debated throughout the whole workshop. The black members of the group voiced their anger, pain and bitterness toward white culture in a way that I'd never seen in groups that were predominantly white.
On the last day of our time together, there was an emotional exchange between a black and a white member of the group. Both were crying as they talked about how the wound of racism had affected them. Others in the room were crying, too, as they listened, and in the midst of this sharing, another black woman suddenly began sobbing loudly and uncontrollably. When she could speak again, she told us what happened to trigger her outburst--the white woman sitting next to her had just turned, and with tears in her eyes whispered, "I'm sorry." The black woman said she'd been waiting her whole life to hear a white person say those words. As she spoke, others began to cry and fall into each other's arms. For that instant, we transcended the lines of racial separateness and were able to love one another, not in spite of our races, but including our racial differences.
The woman who apologized wasn't overtly racist. She could have argued that she wasn't responsible for hundreds of years of slavery and racial oppression, and had nothing to apologize for. Yet, in that moment, she was able to speak in a voice that felt representative of the whole white race, by taking responsibility for her own shadow. Her apology didn't say I'm guilty, I'm bad, it's all my fault. It simply said, "I see in myself a piece of the Oppressor, and am deeply sorry for the pain it's caused."
It's the pain of acknowledging our disowned shadow that makes saying, "I'm sorry" so difficult. A stance of defensive self-righteousness allows us to avoid acknowledging something repugnant about ourselves, but when we let this go and see the kernel of truth in any attack made against us, we suddenly have less to defend. We're no longer losing energy in hiding our deepest secret--that we are flawed--and we gain incredible power to transform our situation.
Experiment
Next time you feel stuck in a standoff of disagreement and find yourself defending your position, stop. Be silent and simply listen to the other person. Don't interrupt. As you allow them to speak, instead of planning your next response, really hear what they're saying. Just about every side of a disagreement has at least a kernel of truth. Find this kernel in the other person's position and validate it. You'll be amazed at how quickly this takes the steam out of a fight and opens new possibilities for healing.
Thank you for coming.
Namaste
Rev. Lynn Woodland is a writer, and founder of Miracles of the Spirit. She has spent her entire professional life promoting spiritually empowering alternatives. To learn more about Lynn Woodland’s work, visit www.lynnwoodland.com or www.quantumspiritunlimited.com